Stop Saying This at Funerals

I've been to more than my fair share of funerals. As a Christian, I come to these moments with a powerful sense of hope and faith in those things which are to come. As a pastor, I come as one seeking to point others to Jesus and praying that the Holy Spirit will serve as the comforter during this time.

I have found that some people say some really dumb things at funerals. Yes, a lot of insensitive things are said, but also a lot of unbiblical things are said. A vast majority of the time there is no ill intent in the one speaking. They are typically awkward about what to say to bring comfort and thus fumble the moment with their words. Here are a few you need to not say at the next funeral you attend.

1. "Everything happens for a reason." Maybe it's true if we spoke about things in terms of cause and effect, but to assume some things are part of God's master plan is to imply that evil things or tragic things are orchestrated by God. The reality is that God can work in the midst of the tragic events, but that does not mean that He caused them. 

2. "Heaven is a better place because he is there." It just doesn't get any better than Jesus. And he is already there. My presence in Heaven does not make it better than it already is with God sitting on the throne. Saying things that exaggerate or even contradict the truth are often said to play upon the emotions of the mourning family. 

3. "I know she's an angel now." No one becomes someone or something else when they die. Angels are not dead people they are heavenly beings like cherubim and seraphim that God created. No one gets wings or becomes an angel after death. It is just not true.

4. "He looks so good/natural. Just like they're sleeping." In reality, anyone in a coffin looks dead. Commenting on their physical appearance is a tribute to vanity that is not helpful to mourning family. They are suffering because of the loss of their family member not the looks. To any family member, the appearance of their deceased loved one is not a "good" or pleasant sight. 

5. "I know how you feel." Chances are... you do not know how they feel. And even if you have experienced something similar, you still do not know exactly how they feel. Just do not say something so bold when someone is having some pretty intense feelings. It is never a good idea to make someone's time of mourning about you or your past sorrow.

6. "Don't cry." How someone expresses their sorrow varies from individual to individual. Some of it is influenced by the culture that a person is raised in and others should be sensitive to the fact that there are varied ways one experiences sorrow at different levels. Encouraging someone to not cry is at best insensitive and at worst harmful to the mourning individual who needs to go through the process of mourning. This is no time to expect someone to be emotionless.

7. "How are you holding up?" By the time the funeral arrives the family members of the deceased are usually emotionally numb. Some of them have cried continuously for the last couple of days and are emotionally drained from the intense emotions they have experienced. Asking them how they are holding up is a question that they will not be able to answer with any real clarity and they should not be pressed to in those moments anyway. "How are you doing?" is also a dumb thing to ask someone at a funeral.

8. "She's in a better place." The assumption is made frequently often with out regard to the truth of the situation, but more than that it is an irrelevant comfort. While the statement is not always inappropriate, it is when it is used flippantly, errantly, or in an attempt to push a mourning individual to move beyond their sorrow. 

9. "You'll get over it eventually." The loss of a loved one is not something someone "gets over". It is a cold and callous response to a hurting individual that deeply loved a person who is now gone to insinuate that they will "move on" eventually. Our world may rush on like nothing happened, but when someone has suffered loss they realize more and more that their world will never be the same.

10. "If you need anything, just let me know." Has anyone actually called you up and let you know that they needed something? Probably not. Why? Because for the immediate family that are mourning a family member who has died, there is no time to even think about what you might need. Immediately following a death of an individual a host of decisions need to be made: arrangements for the funeral/viewing/wake, contacting family & friends, legal documents, financial concerns, medical bills/issues (especially if there was a long illness or a hospital stay immediately preceding death). So do not just offer help, do something that would be helpful. Prepare a meal, provide for child care, assist in preparation, or help in some practical way. 

The Point. I've been in enough funerals to have heard many of the things above. My goal is not to intimidate anyone from showing love to those grieving, but to give insight that often the "cliches" we have heard others say are not helpful, but actually harmful to the ones we are trying to comfort. Presence is more powerful than proclamation sometimes. Your presence is not needed to fix the person mourning or remedy the sorrow they are experiencing. Your presence is most blessed when it is about solidarity with the grieving person.

Rev Nathan Neihof "Any cheap statement concerning grief or death does more harm than good. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything, just show up and love on people."

Betty Land Bond Smith "Let’s face it, we are super sensitive when we lose a loved one. Just give hugs and be quiet."

What about you? What things were said or done at a funeral for one of your loved ones that was especially meaningful?


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