How to be a Youth Pastor...

Are you searching for a youth pastor at your church? Here are a few tips on how to be a good youth pastor! (Pardon the sarcasm.)

1) Style your hair so it looks like you didn't style it at all. Good youth pastors spend a lot of time making their hair style look like they haven't spent any time on it. All teenagers want a youth pastor that looks like... he didn't comb his hair in the morning. It makes them seem 'in touch' with the teenage world.

2) Get multiple piercings and/or some tattoos. It helps teenagers realize you identify with them. It is important that you are just like them. It also helps your personal coolness factor! Who wants an un-cool youth pastor? A youth pastor has the enormous responsibility to be the coolest person in the room at any given time. Plus piercing is a simple, practical way to be holy!

3) Don't use the Bible. It has so much archaic language and ideas that it will be a major turn off to teens. Teenagers today will simply not stay around if you study, quote, or teach from the Bible. If baby boomers can't relate to teens then how in the world is a 2000+ year old book going to relate? (Want to keep a crowd? Try entertaining them!)

4) Be as much like a teenager as possible. Be their friend. They do not want or need a pastor, they need someone that has poor decision making skills like them. Stop judging teens and start hanging out with them. They don't need instruction, they need validation. Affirm them, don't correct them. They don't need another parent giving them direction and insight for life. Plus, their parents don't understand them like a good youth pastor will.

5) Talk about how cool Jesus was; if you even talk about Jesus. Talking about Jesus to teens is a risky venture, because someone might bring up the words of Jesus; like: "Whoever would follow me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." Just stick with cool miracles he did... not what he said. Convince teenagers that if Jesus were alive today he would wear cool clothes, be in the popular group, and be everyone's favorite.

6) Food, Fun, & Fellowship. Those are the three 'F's to a superb ministry (adult or youth). Do not get pre-occupied with other ventures like discipleship, evangelism, the Truth of the Bible, etc. Those things don't grow youth groups, they turn teens away. Distract teens by what they are really looking for at church. Without theses components... you're not going to have a youth group.

7) Rockin' Music! Every generation has to develop its own style. The old people of your church (if you still allow them to come) cannot begin to know how to worship like teens know how to worship. Rock it out every single time you get together. It's not about Jesus, it's about what we perceive the teens like. Get a band that looks like a secular band too, not a decent looking group (see numbers 1, 2, & 4). We want teens to know that no matter how they dress, act, think, or value, Jesus loves them just the way they are and doesn't expect them to change.

8) Talk about the Love of God without talking about any other charactersitics of God. The righteousness and holiness of God are discussions best left to the Senior adults of the church. (And absolutely do not talk about the judgement of God unless you are interested in driving teens away.) I know that the idea of love has been perverted by the world, but don't worry about clarifying it. I wise theologian once said: All you need is love. Most teens don't even know that God loves them, remind them over and over again.

9) Quote or show clips from inappropriate movies. Some R rated movies have a good message (disregard the means vs the ends idea) and there is no way you could possibly illustrate some points you make with Scripture. Sure it implies that you have watched the whole movie and, at some level, recommend it, but hey: they are going to watch the movie anyway.

10) Convince the youth of your church that adults and anyone that does not go along with their ideas are legalistic and judgemental! (Nevermind that you are making a judgement of them by saying they are judgemental.) Give them the trump card: "Don't judge me." (Nevermind about 1 Corinthians 5:12.) Make sure they do not interact with the older saints of the church; it could influence them to mature or something. It would be terrible if they reached a deeper place spiritually than you. What if they began to take their faith seriously and develop some kind of conviction about something important?

11) #bringbackSoulPatch !!